A secret handshake

His father, he says, is a bully, a tyrant, a narcissist - the first time I hear that word.

Perry says a narcissist is someone who thinks only of themselves. It also means that his son owned. He has a picture of what life will be his son and he is interested not care for the image that his son of his future.

Sounds familiar.

Perry and I have to agree that our lives would be vastly better if we just had a father like other children. But his voice sounds even more pain when he says that his father loves him. I have never doubted the love of my father. I only wish that his love was softer, with more listening and less anger. Sometimes I wish my father loved me less. Maybe he would leave me alone, let me take my own decisions. I tell Perry that I'm going crazy because I have no choice, because I can not control what I do or not do. Therefore, I think after, almost obsessive, about the few things I do can decide which clothes I wear, what I eat, who my friends are.

He nods. He understands.

Luckily I have a friend with Perry finally with whom I can discuss these deep thoughts, a friend with whom I can talk about Winchell's slots in my life. I talk to Perry about tennis, even though I hate it. I hate school, even though I love books. I'm so pleased with Philly, despite all his bad luck. Perry listens, as patiently as Philly, but betrokkener. Perry does not talk and just listen and nod, he converses. He analyzes, devises strategies, a plan helps me to think of making things better. When I tell my problems to Perry, then they sound confused and silly, but he is able to rearrange them so they make sense and it seems the first step to make them soluble. I feel that I have on a desert island where I lived alone at the palm trees could talk, but there is now a thoughtful, sensitive, congenial - albeit with a ridiculous polo shirt on - the beach is crawling.

Perry takes me in confidence about his nose and mouth. He says he was born with a harelip. He says that he can become very shy and ill at ease with the girls. He had surgery and it has certainly surgery ahead. I say it is not noticeable. He gets tears in his eyes. He mumbles something about his father to forgive him.

Most conversations with Perry will always ultimately about fathers and fathers of the conversation too soon about the future. We talk about the man we will be, if we are away from our fathers. We promise each other that we will be different, not only different from our fathers but also from all the other men we know, even than the men we see in movies. We agree that we will never touch drugs or alcohol. And if we are rich, we swear, we do what we can to help the world. We give each other a hand. A secret handshake.